Not Getting Dead
by Ko'u Melia
Summary: After he learns Ziva died on the Damocles, Tony begins therapy. It starts out kind of dark, but will get happier as the story progresses.


_Okay, this is the first multi-chapter fic I'm going to try. So I'm not sure how I'm going to be about updating, but I'll try to be pretty consistent. I know the basic idea of where I'm going with this, but it's likely to change, especially if I get a good idea from a reviewer._

_Also, this is going to start out pretty depressing, but will get more upbeat as it progresses. This fic will be, of course, very Tiva centered, but will mostly be more of a really close friendship/ borderline romance than a downright mushy clichéd romance._

**Chapter 1:**

There were no survivors. That was all it took. That was all it took for his entire life to shatter into millions of insignificant pieces. He couldn't speak, or feel, or breathe. So he just stood there in Abby's lab, staring at something. Maybe it was Gibbs, the man who had spoken the sentence that violently ripped every last reason to live away from him. But he couldn't be sure, he couldn't focus on anything. He was nothing without her.

He was only vaguely aware of the following events. Gibbs had told everyone to go home, after which he somehow ended up at his apartment on his couch with a bottle of something strong in his hand just sitting in the darkness. The television was off, the lights weren't on, there was only the darkness.

When the dim light coming in through the window woke him up the next morning, he felt horrible. The pain in his head was almost enough to make him forget about the horrible events of the previous day. Almost. Something in the back of his mind was screaming at him to get up and get ready for work, but the knowledge that there was really no reason to anymore was enough to shut that something up, so he just lay there.

Around midday, Abby found her way over to his apartment, used her key to open the door, and turned on the lights. What she found shocked her. Tony was lying face down to the couch with a sig in his right hand.

Thinking the worst, she ran over to him whispering "No, no, no," until she got there and found him breathing, his cheeks stained with watermarks. "Oh, Tony," she said sadly, taking his hand and slowly bringing him to a sitting position, "Please don't do this."

Tony turned his head slowly to look at her, fresh tears streaming down his face, "She's gone," he said softly, stuttering over the words slightly, as if he were having trouble putting the two in the same sentence together.

Looking at his broken face, Abby could feel her eyes begin to water up, so she pulled him into a tight hug, letting him slump against her as his shoulders shook and his right hand tightly clutched the gun.

Abby sighed and reached down, gently grabbing it by the barrel, "Please Tony, let it go," she said softly.

"I can't," he said pulling away from her, looking her in the face, his eyes now ablaze with fury, "How could I just let it go? She was my partner. She was my best friend! I loved her! And now...!" his voice began to rise as he spoke, so that by the end he was shouting. Abby's eyes were transfixed on the gun in his hand, and they grew slightly at the last revelation, but she decided it wouldn't be the best time to comment. "And now, she's dead," he finished, breaking down again.

"Yes," she agreed slowly, "but that gun isn't going to fix anything, Tony," she stopped to make sure she hadn't crossed another line. "Tony, please put the gun down." Finally he listened, and dropped it on the floor wincing slightly at the noise it made against the wood. "Tony, please, everyone is worried about you, please, just take a shower, change your clothes and come to work."

The word work seemed to change something in him. He stood up and shuffled towards his bathroom, undressed, turned the water on to a scalding temperature, and stepped inside, trying to make the heat burn away what he was feeling. It didn't work. Eventually he stepped out, not feeling any better, or cleaner, and changed into a clean pair of clothes. He was unsurprised to see Abby still there on his couch, staring at the gun he had dropped.

"You can go now," he said quietly, making her jump slightly, "I'll be fine."

Abby just stared at him for a moment before jumping up and leaving, but not before picking up his gun to take with her.

Tony arrived at work a good half an hour later, to see Gibbs and McGee looking up at him, concern in their eyes. They could tell he had been crying. He waved them off and sat down at his desk, looking everywhere but straight in front of him. He noticed a slip of paper with a list of names and numbers and a note from Abby that read "If you ever need someone to talk to".

That was what spurred his decision to make an appointment with Dr. Joseph Collins.

_Well, that was the first chapter. Unlike some people, I'll update if I get reviews or not, and reviews won't make me update any more quickly, if I don't update, it's because I'm lazy, but they are still very much appreciated._


End file.
